Hi again

I talked to her the other day, i think its on sunday. I heard she inquired abt me so i wanted to talk to him. I was feeling so good when she asked abt me. So being a sweet good natured woman i am, i went and talked to him. But i was a lot hesitant. I didnt know how it would go. It was embarrassing too. But i wasnt all friendly like i used to be and so the conversation of 5 lines went good. But thats not how i am so the next day i went to be myself and started talking like i used to, all too friendly. But ended up being annoyed. I said 'get lost' and '/me slaps', sentences which i never use. I regret it so much. But she told i was lying abt harish when i told she was kinda disappointed when she wasnt answered. Why would i lie?I really wonder when our simple friendly relationship became as complicated as this. I was afraid of her at first but she was helpful when i first entered irc may be because of my age and then my fear wore off and i really considered him as a good friend. We talked a lot. She even told his darkest secret to me, which she never told to Divyaa or cp whom are his friends too. So i tried my best to be a good friend when she was down. It went well. We were friends. She used to say, u and harish are important ppl to me. I have heard that sentence a lot of times from him. She also had said, i have never forgotten anything u have said to me. But suddenly she stopped being friendly. I remember that day well. I became the reason for him not attending his prayer with his family one day and the next day she told to divyaa that because of that 'God punished me' Even after asking him so much she didnt tell what happened. His exams were coming too so ididnt want to pester him anymore so i called him next day and told i wont be online till his exams are over. I think i wrote a blog abt that incident. But she said i was being a drama queen and i sh be coming online. Fro the first time, since ihave talked to him, i felt him smiling while talking. and his 'arre' was something i couldnt forget. But she got off at the wrong station. so i decided till his exams are over i shnt be the reason for anyof his negatives. so i didnt go online that nite but she had asked divyaa to call me online. so i went she told she have something important to ask me. She asked if Divyaa really likes him. They two were conversing a lot those times. But that was just for fun. I thought they both knew. When i heard it, i laughed and say no way she would fall for u and asked if she really fell for her. Se said no and said shes glad. Out of curiosity i asked if she had called me only to ask that. She suddenly said hehe and said yes and very suddenly she quit irc. I literally blinked a lot of times before understanding whats happening. After a while when i asked why she did that she said its all my fault. I have no idea what i caused. But i apologised no knowing for what and she started being online but she suddenly would disappear saying shes studying. I cant go and disturb him when shes studying rite. But she chatted with all others. She always says i am busy to me. I think it started then, She became cold to me and would never reply my sms or my mails. She change of behavior towards me disturbed me a lot. She would suddenly become silent while talking and many buzz and u there i wont be receiving any replies the next day she said, why r u so emo, i just dozed off when i was talking to u. Well no one just doze off in the middle of talking even if u r feeling so sleepy, u say so and go to bed. u say brb or back rite. She used to say that before but everything suddenly changed. How in the hell am i supposed to know she dozed off. Then i learned that how online thing goes. u really shnt be buzzing when u r not getting reply. I dont do it anymore. Hey i was a newbie online then afterall. But his attitude was totally different. I tried to know what happened she would say she hasnt changed a bit. I became super irritated and started talking back to him. But when his friend from church stopped talking to him she said that to me and was so down. I was super angry. I considered him my friend too. I would be feeling the same when she behaved like that girl. So i said serves him rite. and we stopped talking for a while. I tried to talk but it didnt go well. When harish joined school, i told him that and she told she would like to send a present to him. I was happy. Atleast his affection towards harish hasnt changed. I gave him the address and i am yet to receive it. I am sure she doesnt have my address now. Because i was irritated with his behaviour and harish school timings, i slowly stopped going online.I kinda did a website thing for kids and sent to him the file but she didnt see that for abt a week so i asked do u even know how important u r to me and how important that file is to me. I just repeated the sentence she used to say long time ago. But she totally misunderstood me and started talking rubbish. I was totally hurt. But let him talk cuase it had been a long time since i talked to him. But the next day i told, i really didnt like the way she talked. and told i really didnt mean anything wrong. I told eri abt the sentence i told him and she told that sounds like a girlfriend talking shiba-chan. But i didnt tell her that she used to say that to me long time back. I never took that sentence in amyother say except that she considers me a good friend but why am i mistaken when i just repeated his words?One day she came to gtalk but even after so may hi i dint get a reply then she said in orkut that she wanted avoided me. We used to scrap eachother for four days but one day she said, she is talking to me just because i was begging and crying for him to talk to me. I was totally shattered. I am no stalker god this is so embarrassing. Is this how she see me. I was annoyed, too ashamed to talk to him anymore. So i deleted my orkut account, delted him from y gtalk and ymsg. I was taking all the measure i can to prevent me from going and talking to him again. I really dont want a friendship out of pity. I stopped going online.Then on Christmas Eve i called him and had Harish wish him. Then i talked to him. But she talked as if 'God why is she calling now' I could only feel the cold tone. So i aked if she want to or not talk to me. She said Dont want to talk. I couldnt believe my ears. I stood frozen for a sec and hung up on him. I am sure, if i asked why, she would say, "i was joking. Why do u always have to talke everything seriously." I am sure no one would say that when u r talking after a long time. For two months i didnt talk to him. But that doesnt mean i forgot abt him. I sometimes ask eri how shes doing but she couldnt tell cause she hardly reply her. Everyone calls him cool, but i really dont understand why. I wanted to know how his school musical went, i wanted to know abt his results. But was well aware that she wouldnt even bother remembering me. But i was sure she wouldnt forget me so quickly. Wenn i was talking to eri that day, i asked abt tac and Jd and also abt him. She suddenly asked, if i am ok with not tlaking to him. I said, i would like to talk to him but i want him to come and talk to me. cuase i really wanted him to realise i was a friend. Its no use to go and talk to him when she doesnt miss u rite. What different would it make? The same old cold talks and irritation for both of us. Ironically she told eri, that it had been a long time since she saw me. I told her 'feeling good' to hear that. The next day, i added him in my ymsg and sent a belated new yr wishes. i didnt get any reply for that so thought she didnt get that. The next day i talked to him but i wasnt able to be friend. When i see my friend after such a long time, i would either hug or whack, cause i would have missed them. I atleast expected a ''long time no see' from him but she said nothing. The next day, i just wanted to be myself and went and talked to him normally he started talking normally to me too i think. ATleased she asked how i am. Then i asked why she didnt reply harish. for that she told, she just heard some mumbling and really couldnt realise who that is until the next day. I told, i dont have many kids and u sh have known it, harish wasd disappointed. Thats when she told stop lying. I was annoyed, why would i lie abt it. Harish did ask me two to three times why she wasnt replied. All i could do that time was to hug him. I went to my monster mode and said, '/me slaps' and when she told hes gonna pray, though i very well know its his prayer time, i told 'get lost' . She naturally got annoyed and told 'yes i will and u too stop bugging me'. I reaplied 'yes that what i was doing all these days. Stopped bugging u' and after sometimes i sent him offliners saying we are better off not talking to each other. Wished him well in his life and said bye.But when i thought abt it today, i really dont want to say good bye in bitter terms. I want to ay bye with a smile. I want to really know, why she changed his attitude towards me. I thought i would go and say 'If i had done anything wrong or said something stupid forgive me and forget the unpleasant things. So when we meet couple of years down the lane we could greet each other with a smile.' I was thinking abt this the whole day. Sis told what r u thinking all the way. Do u dont want to come with me? All i could do was smile and say its not like that.Like love friendship cant be thrust upon anyone. Like love its has to be two -way, it has to be reciprocated. A broken Vase though put together will always show u the lines between the pieces. So its okay if she doesnt want to talk anymore cause it was not good friendship in the first place, but atleast go away as a friend. thats what i want now.